Our mayor knows how to bust a groove. Now you can too with our handy dance-like-Bozza guide
The true star and spectacle of the Olympic Closing Ceremony, as we all agree, was Boris Johnson’s epic dance moves. In part of our commitment to the Olympic Legacy, we feel it only right that all our readers should keep the tradition of this most accomplished of dance sequences alive. So we hereby instruct you on: how to dance like Boris.
#1: The thumbs-up swing
Equipment/special skills needed: ridiculous haircut and ability to embarrass your own children
Get both thumbs in the thumbs-up position, as if you are merrily encouraging five awesome Spice Girls dancing on top of black cabs in a massive arena. Swing your pelvis back and forth as you might if you were imitating vigorous copulation with a donkey – but in a jokey fashion. At the same time, move your arms (maintaining the thumbs-up position) back and forth in big circular sweeping motions. It should feel like you are turning a giant hamster wheel with your hands – while maintaining the double thumbs up. It helps some Boris dancers to internally repeat the rejuvenating mantra “zig a zig ahhhhhhh” while performing this manoeuvre.
#2: The rotator hip-bounce
Equipment/special skills needed: None, though a slight pot belly will aid you immensely
If you are graduating onto the rotator hip-bounce from the thumbs-up swing, first half-drop your double thumbs-up so your thumb now flops gently against your fingers, in more of a double-semi-thumbs-up. Now you are ready to begin the move proper. Jig the knees gently up and down – those of you who have made the effort to bring the equipment recommended above will notice the accentuated bounce provided by the upwards-downwards motion of your slight pot belly. Meanwhile, move both hands in vertical circular motions. The circles you make do not have to be in time with one another, nor in the same direction, nor coordinated in any way. In fact, it is better if they seem like they are arm movements being done by two separate people to two very different songs. Remember to continue to bounce on your knees throughout and continue for as many repetitions as desired.
#3: The zip wire
Equipment/special skills needed: Two small, preferably highly tacky, Union Jack flags
The toughest of all Boris dance moves, this will require considerable kerfuffle and a little corporeal vexation. First you must leap into the air. A zip wire to aid this part of the move is optional. Lift your knees high enough so that, if someone were to look at a frozen snapshot of you, they would describe your legs as “precariously dangling while sitting on an oversized loo”. Simultaneously (and this is where this daring physical feat really comes into its own) you must wave your arms maniacally, flapping the flags round. Essentially, you should think of yourself as a tubby bird that has just realised that these tiny flags are insufficient wings to carry your weight. It is customary, and sportsmanlike, to finish this move with the words: “How could anybody elect a prat who gets stuck on a zip wire?”
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