The funniest Christmas jokes of 2015


Nothing says “funny” like the birth of a god

Christmas is inherently funny. Imagine explaining it to an alien.

You’d end up saying something like this:

2,000 earth years ago, a particular human baby was supposedly born, and his father was not actually his father. His real father was the creator of the universe and everything in it – dragonflies, Michael Jackson, continental shelves, yoghurt, vacuum cleaners and so on. Anyway, after the child grows up and delivers various coded messages around the Middle East about peace and respect, his father has him sacrificed, horribly, then brings him back to life and flies him off to heaven.

At Christmas it is his birth that is celebrated, and in recognition of that, we bring fir trees indoors and cover them in sparkles, lie to children about where their gifts come from, drink a lot of alcohol, eat a lot of food, sing some dodgy songs, and buy a lot of stuff for each other.

And by and large, most people don’t really believe in the whole story, but go along with it anyway because it’s all a great laugh and you get extra days off work to spend with your mates and your family.

It’s a pretty jolly set up, and we’ll probably keep it this way for as long as we can.

And that’s the true story of why Christmas is funny.

Part of the funniness is due to people going to extra lengths to be funny about it all, perhaps due in part to a wider recognition that nothing about it makes any coherent sense.

Here are the best efforts to understand Christmas from some of the finest comic minds this year:


Christmas cracker fart noise

Here are a selection of Christmas cracker jokes from TV channel Gold. The joke is that they’re supposed to be crap. And for that reason, despite what your brain is telling you, they are all hilarious.

I told my Granddad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping. He phoned me two days later from Brazil.

Why were Jeremy Clarkson’s colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they’d been floored by his punch.

Ooh, a business one: Why don’t Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong.

Who saved Santa the job of creating a naughty list? Ashley Madison.

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side.

Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10.


Tim Key

Professional laugh-monger Tim Key

The Guardian newspaper has also done a roundup of a few comedians’ Christmas jokes. Here is a smattering of the wittiest:

Stewart Francis: How does Santa remember which chimneys he’s been down? He keeps a log.

Joseph Morpurgo: Which Christmas carol is used in hospitals to rehydrate patients? The Holly and the IV.

Tim Key: Where does Father Christmas like to enjoy a mixture of badminton, horse-riding and subtropical swimming? Santa Parcs.

Daphne: Where does Santa work out? Down the gymney.

Rhys James: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, £5 on eBay.

Lou Sanders: Knock knock. Who’s there? Father Christmas. Use the chimney, mate.

Others I’ve just spotted

Christmas Henry the Hoover

The annual celebration of the birth of Henry the Hoover,from R&R Electrical Shop in Sussex. Does God approve of this? Probably, because it’s brilliant.

What is the same about Christmas and work? I do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets all the credit.

What is the best Christmas present in the world?….A broken drum, you can’t beat it!

And these from Reader’s Digest readers for you to, er, digest:

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

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